It was the second day of the Koinonia retreat. We had all just eaten breakfast, still tired from reflections the night before. We sat there, chatting happily with our friends as we were called to attention. We were told we would have a couple hours free time, that we could do as we pleased. Waycross has a lot to offer in trails, and we were invited to go canoeing if we wanted, so a group of us went up to the lake. We stopped by the front desk and asked to see a map, and the woman behind the desk kindly told us the best way to get to the lake. We got up there, and were informed that the paddles were missing, so we weren’t able to canoe. We all just stood there, looking at each other, so I decided to sing my childhood favorite camp song, to keep everyone entertained. After leading Princess Pat, I was offered a job at Waycross as a camp counselor. I never thought I’d get a chance to be a camp counselor. I recalled the night before, sitting with my small group and praying I would find a job for the summer. It was amazing to see that God was able to answer my prayer so quickly. I was so elevated. We headed down a hill to a small creek with a tiny waterfall. After hanging out down there for a while, we decided it was time to head back to the assembly building. We all started to climb back up the hill.

There were two ways we could have gone. Up the way with all the trees, leaves, and mud, or back up the grass side. Emily Doll leapt up the side with the trees and leaves like it was nothing, so we all started to try and follow her. 

This hill was. no. joke. It felt like the angle was at 90 degrees as we all struggled up the hill. Another girl and I fell about halfway back down, she got mud and leaves up her shirt, and she and several others decided to try and go up the grassy way. In that moment, I wanted to give up and follow the others. I was so close though, so I tried to keep going. As I looked up at the other people who already made it, I felt even more discouraged. So many others were able to make it up there before me, why couldn’t I keep up? I looked over at Emily Doll, who had been helping people up past the last little stretch. “You can do it!” she shouted to me, and I thought to myself “Yes… I can do it.” So, I did. I did it. I didn’t think about how tired my body was or how badly my fingers hurt. I didn’t think about the mud that was covering my clothes. I just did it. Before I knew it, Emily was giving me a hand up to a standing position. I got to the top of that hill, my lungs felt stretched out, like I had been holding my breath for hours. My body was so tired, my heart was racing… and I had never felt better.

We arrived back to the Assembly Building and listened to another talk. After this particular talk, I was feeling very pensive. Coincidentally, Father Joe had just arrived from Marian and told us he would be sitting in the supply closet for confession, if we needed it. As we all sat around the room, writing and reflecting, I sat there, debating on whether or not I should go talk to him. I kept trying to reflect, but I could feel him staring me down. I looked over at him… he was looking elsewhere. I continued to write, but the feeling was eating at me. I could swear he was staring me down… so I looked again. He still was just minding his own business. I decided to get up and start to walk over… I stopped and stood with my friend Maddi, who was crying. I placed my hand on her shoulder and we sat there like that for a moment. I looked at her and said, “I think I’m going to go to confession.” She told me she thought I should. So I did.

I walked into that tiny closet. Father Joe greeted me. I took a deep breath. “I hate my dad, and because of that, I hate God. Let’s talk about it.” So we did. I told Father Joe almost everything about my relationship with my father, the pastor. I told him about how he used faith as a punishment, his double standards, his hypocrisy, his constant need for forgiveness, and how angry all of that made me. I told Father Joe about how I was raised in the Catholic church, and how my dad tried to undermine that all the time and get me to go to his church instead. I told him about how this made me not want to believe in God at all. I also told him about the one place I do feel God- in the Eco Lab on campus. After all that, Father Joe told me two things which have stuck with me to this day. 

1. It is okay to be angry at my dad and at God. Forgiveness does not come easy, and if I forgive before I’ve had a chance to diffuse and genuinely forgive, I could start to feel resentment.
2. Catholicism is not for everyone. Go where I feel God is present, and pray how I want to pray. 

I walked out of that supply closet over an hour later, feeling more whole than I had felt in years. For the first time in a long time, I did not feel at odds with myself. I did not feel like I was fighting this constant battle in my head. I was feeling complete peace. 

I realized that the hill I climbed that morning was nothing compared to the hill I climbed with Father Joe. Then it hit me that both of those hills lead to peaks, and I am still climbing a mountain. We are all still climbing mountains. Our mountains are all different, and at times, some are steeper than others. We are all climbing the hill called “four-year degree” right now, though. We are in it together, and sometimes those around us need help. I realized that I too can be like Emily Doll, and Father Joe, reaching out my hand to pull someone up. I realized that I need help, and most people do too. For some people, God is all the help they need. For others, they need something else. My struggle was with God, and I found a way to be on good terms with God in my own way, with the help of Father Joe.

Now, I pray my own way, and I keep an eye out for those who are struggling to climb their own mountain, as I struggle all the time. Being able to admit that I needed help was a big step in realizing that everyone else needs help too, and I am capable of helping some of them. In Philippians chapter 2 verse 4 it says, “Let each of you look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” After finally looking inward, I now can look outward.